puzzle piece

This past Sunday at church, I was able to pay attention to the sermon for the first time since Randall was a newborn. I put him into childcare and got to hear a great message from the story of Joseph’s life.

I always find it difficult to not try to secretly take control over my life everyday. Of course it’s never the case since God is in control even when I think I am. But life IS so much better when I surrender my life wholeheartedly to the Lord. When you wake up and say “God, this day is yours…not mine”  it always turns out best. So, yeah…I try to keep short accounts with God all day long to keep my mind…well…really my heart….where it needs to be, In God’s Hands. Am I successful everyday? Absolutely not. Thank God for his mercy and grace with me.

I’ve always used the same analogy with regards to “trying to take over/control my life”. I always picture me coming over God’s shoulder while He is painting this beautiful picture that is my life. As He is painting, I say “Why are You doing that?” A fair question in my mind at the time of my disobedience and unwillingness to trust Him. “Well wait, stop…no I don’t want that. That doesn’t look good?…that hurts…wait, why are YOU doing this…WHY??”

It’s a pretty good analogy in my mind to remind myself that I don’t see the whole picture that God is painting. I don’t know what the next day or season of my life looks like. Ever. But God does. He not only knows, but He is also doing what is best for His glory and for me. Me, the little girl He calls His Beloved. He wants nothing more than to love me and have a personal and intimate relationship with me. speechless.

but not for long, b/c I need to get to my point.

So our pastor spoke about how God’s design for life here on earth is a puzzle. GREAT! I LOVE puzzles!! (right Ashley & Jessie ;)) He continued to explain that we each are one piece to the puzzle of his master plan. Seemingly so small, but the puzzle is not complete without you in it.

So, I’m lovin’ this sermon. I’m relating to his wonderful analogy. Then I begin to realize that my analogy kind of stinks. Comparatively speaking I guess. But, I realize that not only is it ridiculous for me to stand over the Master and Creator of the universe and ask Him why he paints this or that…It’s ridiculous because I am the paint on the canvas, not at all knowing and understanding enough to STAND over His shoulder and see what He is painting. I’m living it. I’m the paint..or the canvas?..haha I sound crazy. It would be like a puzzle piece jumping up on God’s shoulder to take a look at what the entire puzzle is looking like. Doesn’t make any sense because puzzle pieces can’t do that. Even though I know it won’t work, I try to understand…I try to control…I try to beg Him to reveal everything or something to me-this little puzzle piece of a girl. His plan for me is not to understand the plan but to trust in the plan…in Him. That He does have EVERYTHING under control.

One day, I know we will get to see the whole puzzle complete…the whole picture painted…forget silly analogies that probably don’t make any sense. one day. i get to see my Heavenly Father and spend eternity with Him and His son Jesus…who died for me.

I trust and believe that God has a timing for my life and the world that is so much bigger than me. I like being small. I like seeing a few specks or spots on a puzzle piece and not understanding what part of the puzzle I am exactly. I love the mystery that is the Love of my God. (someone remind me that I said this later on when i’m having a meltdown about my future)

I’ve had this on repeat while writing this post:

Worthy of Affection- Shane & Shane

Deliverer you brought us out of the miry clay
You set our feet upon a rock and you made us say
Holy is the Lord
We would declare your thoughts about us one by one
It’d be too many to count so we simply come
And sing of your great love

So we sing..We lift our hands and sing!

You are worthy of affection
Your the radiance of all of His glory
Let adoration fill this place
You hold everything together
By the word of your immovable power
We sing a song of praise!

We are the broken down and we are the beaten up
But what could stop us from a song of unending love?
Holy is the Lord

You are the treasure, the hope, the Bright and Morning Star
You are the lover of our soul and you’ve won our hearts
We sing of your great love
So we sing
We lift our hands and sing!

You are worthy of affection
Your the radiance of all of His glory
Let adoration fill this place
You hold everything together
By the word of your immovable power
We sing a song of praise!

Worthy are you Lord
Worthy are you Lord
O worthy are you Lord
Of all Praise
All Glory to you Lord
All Glory to you Lord
All Glory to you Lord
Forever More
Forever More

You are worthy of affection
Your the radiance of all of His glory
Let adoration fill this place
You hold everything together
By the word of your immovable power
We sing a song of praise!

Holy are you Lord
Holy are you Lord
Holy are you Lord


i love you Jesus.

Published in: on July 27, 2010 at 9:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

new challenges

so i have not been blogging as much on this as i would like. I’ve finished Genesis. and since I’ve finished Genesis I have thought of many different things I would like to blog about but then I never sit down and get it out while it is fresh on my mind. I just tried to skim through and see if anything popped back out to me.

the reason it has been hard is because I have challenged myself by not allowing myself to go on facebook and now on blogs too. Not until I have read the entire Bible. Instead of spending time on those things I am spending time in God’s word.

I pulled out my “Bible in 90 days” for umpteenth time to try and accomplish this. I am up right now to say that I am a half day behind. So right now before I go to bed I am going to try and catch up on that.

Also, so I don’t get bored because as God knows I am a girl that has to keep things constantly changing, I am reading a chapter here and there from 3 different books. (Redeeming Love, Power of a Praying Parent, Passionate Housewives Desperate for God)

OH I remembered something! just the other day I had finished reading about Moses telling God he didn’t think he was the guy to lead everyone out of Egypt. Which of course I can relate to. But then I read a part of Power of a Praying Parent and a Mother’s prayer devotional and they both were talking about feeling unequipped for what you need to do. It was so perfect. Because everytime I think about doing women’s ministry one day all i sit there and do is talk myself out of it because I am a horrible writer and reader. All great speakers write books and read and research. But surprisingly I am finding my time in the Word and books so fulfilling. i remember feeling like this before but as I tend to get caught up in life I lose track of that.

Anyways. I am going to work harder on blogging on this blog more than our family one and doing it the day I read the scripture!

Published in: on May 16, 2010 at 10:39 pm  Leave a Comment  

what faith!

“Some time later God tested Abraham…Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.'” Genesis 22:1-2

I’ve read Genesis 3 or 4 times before, but never have I related to this story before the way I do now. What if God said to me or Richard “Take your son, your only son, Randall, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.” I’d say, “wait…what!?!?” And I would get hysterical and then start bargaining by asking questions. I would question God’s every motive and direction for me. But what does Abraham do? He obeys. One second I’m asking myself, “Abraham, what are you thinking!?!? Didn’t you learn from the first time to not tell kings that your wife is your sister!? You’ve already made that mistake. Shape up or ship out!” But then his faith is tested by God and not only does he obey, but he obeys with honor and respect to God!

Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” Genesis 22:7-8

Wow. I am speechless. I don’t even know how to work this out in my head. Everyday, since the moment Randall has been born I have had to remind myself that he is not mine. Even though the first words I said to him were “You are mine.” He is not mine. He is God’s gift to me to take care of. He is a part of God’s plan to teach me of His undying love for me. He is God’s way of showing me how God desires relationship with me just like I am going to desire relationship with Randall when he starts making his own friends and life for himself. I am going to want to know what Randall is doing and want to be a part of his journey. He is also a way for me to understand God’s love for His Son that He sacrificed for me…for us. God sacrificed His Son…whom He loved. Abraham did too. Isaac was saved from this once Abraham’s faith proved true. Christ was not.

There might be a time in my life where Randall, or another child God might bless me with, will have to be placed on an altar as a sacrifice for God. He might get sick. He might be called to come home to Jesus before me. He might be called to a life of sacrifice in some way that I can’t even think of right now. But I will have to keep my faith in God. And that is my prayer today, because I do not have faith in myself to be that strong for God’s will.

Abba Father,

Thank you.

Thank you for my son. For my husband. For my life. For rescuing me from myself day in and day out.

I plead with you now that you will give me the faith and strength to endure the trials to come. The sacrifice it will take to be your daughter. Your beloved bride. Your princess.

You love me more than Randall or Richard. More than my mother or anyone else on this earth.

You care for me and set out the best for me.

I plead with you to give me the faith I need to trust you wholeheartedly with my life, my son’s life and Richard’s life too.

I want to love and trust you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Thank you.

Published in: on April 23, 2010 at 11:06 am  Leave a Comment  


“The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” Genesis 12:1

Leave everything you are comfortable with behind to go somewhere you’ve never been. To a place where you don’t know anyone. Leave your family that you love being around everyday. Leave the land you are so familiar with. The places you have grown to know and love and make memories in. Leave it all behind for Me.

Wow. Ok, God let’s build an ark. But leave? Leave everything that makes me happy and comfortable?

Wow, again. That just shows that I am searching for satisfaction in ALL the wrong places. But it feels good to be around my family. There is a comfort there. A trust. I could leave Randall with my family when I need to get things done. I look at Fort Lauderdale as so temporary, so I can deal with it. But I don’t truly want to deal with it. I want to thrive here. Richard just asked me the other day on our date (which was a blessing, Thank you God for my mom…please bless her for her servant heart) What do you want to accomplish while you are here? And I went off. I want to learn from the women here that I meet. I want to take this opportunity that I have to not be able to fill my time with family and best friends. To me, I think this is the time where God can build up in me a foundation in His word so that later I can speak with truth and knowledge. I want to eventually do women’s ministry so I need to build my spiritual tools up. What better way to do that than being here without anyone I know to distract me. I should be having time with my Abba Father EVERYDAY. I should be praying more. I should be getting involved in the church. I told Richard that I really want someone to disciple me. The best times in my walk with God have always been when I have had someone to bounce my questions and ideas off of. I need a mentor. So we are praying more. It is so precious to me. Last night, after Richard and I put Randall to bed we went upstairs to go to bed ourselves. I, of course, wanted to watch American Idol before I hit the sack and he proceeded to go to bed. I had just started the show and watched the first performer so I was now hooked and didn’t want to be distracted. Richard turned over after the first performer and said “Pause it!”. I said “ugh…why”. He said, “Let’s pray”. I was like ouch. That was a pierce to my distracted heart! It was the sweetest time of prayer. And to think, I almost got upset about having to pause my silly show.

This time with God in scripture has really opened my eyes to the thought of truly trusting Him with our future. We assume that in March of next year we are going to Orlando because that is the easiest, most convenient and comfortable route. What if God has something better? He always has. Everytime Richard and I have tried to plan our lives out it has gone the exact opposite way. That is God reminding us that He is in control and for us not to get ahead of ourselves with planning.

To be honest though, I am having the hardest time getting out of my house and meeting people and getting involved at church. I am not keeping it a high priority now that I think about it. I can’t even keep my house together, so getting out of the house feels wrong since I need to do so much at home. But then I get cabin fever and bitter towards Richard for having friends and a life outside our house. I am learning. Slowly but surely, I will get there. With God’s help.

Here is my sweet reminder for the day though:

“I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you” Genesis 12:2

The blessing. After all the difficulty and discomfort of leaving everything and everyone behind, you will be blessed. Keep your eye on the prize Crystal. The prize is Christ.

Published in: on March 21, 2010 at 8:48 am  Leave a Comment  

God Remembered

Noah walked with God. God asked him to build an ark. Noah obeyed God. God shut him in. God caused the flood. God remembered Noah. And finally, God blessed Noah.

So Crystal if you walk with God. He will ask you to build His “ark” for His glory. Your “ark” being your purpose. Your way to bring glory to God. God is the only one that can call you to this. He will be the only one who can give you the perfect directions for building your ministry, your godly home, and a glorifying marriage. Should you choose to obey, God will shut you into the ark of your purpose. He will seal you into His perfect will. Things will get rough and there will be resistance. There will be difficulty. You will get “cabin fever”. You will face personality conflicts with the people he locks you in the ark with. You will have to be a zoo keeper at times. You will deal with loss, death and wishing that they were in the ark with you. You will face opposition. Satan will try to tempt you to give up. But then, as God continues to allow the floodgates of heaven to pour out over your life and you float there waiting for deliverance, for an answer, for something…He will remember you. He will close the floodgates of heaven to allow your flood to recede and the Son will shine over your life. Drying up any tears, fears, worries and disappointments. Not only will He remember you. He will bless you. For obeying Him. In the process, He has built character up in you and you have learned to withstand resistance. You can now master sin. You can trust your God because He delivered you to where you are now. You are now in a trusting and loving relationship with your Creator. Your Abba Father.

He loves me.

Published in: on March 8, 2010 at 9:35 am  Comments (1)  

My Flood

Obeyed God. That’s what Noah did. He obeyed God. What “ark” would God ask me to build if I obeyed Him? How can I be righteous in this generation?

The one thing I’ve neglected to notice about the story of the flood up until now is in Genesis 7:16.

“The LORD shut him in”

This raises many questions and thoughts in my head. At first, my reaction is to look at my life and ask myself what I would do if the Lord shut me in. Have I been shut in before? Am I shut in now? Being shut in sounds pretty scary. I would be terrified if I were in that ark. But with character like Noah had, I would have complete faith in my God. That’s what he had. He trusted God so much he built an ark exactly how God asked and obeyed His every command. What ark is God waiting to ask me to build?

I want to build a women’s ministry. I want women to feel like beloved daughters and bride’s of their God and Christ. But what does God want for me? I want to move to Orlando and be with my family when Richard is done with his first two years of med school. I want a house on a lake with canopy trees leading up to it. I want a house full of children. But what I want doesn’t matter. It is such a leap of faith for me to say I only want what God wants for His glory and for myself. I think I even said that I wanted what God wants in a previous post. But when I sit here and list all the things that I want and think about none of those things being in God’s plan for me, I hesitate to trust Him. Again. I hesitate to let Him have all my dreams and desires. But I hear Him saying right now:

Crystal, delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

Yes Father. I am trying. Keep me on track here.

So God, will I trust You when you shut me in? Only You know. I am expecting to learn something during my flood that You will call me to. I want to have unwavering faith like Noah did. I want to be righteous in Your eyes so that You will call me to greatness for the sake of Your name and kingdom. I want to obey You and love You with all my heart, soul and strength. Teach me Your ways Lord.

The other interesting thing about that phrase is that it doesn’t say that the Lord shut “them” in. “Them” being everyone else besides Noah. His family, the animals etc…no. God shut Noah in. This was definitely intentional to me for God to be so specific. It’s a constant reminder that God put Noah right where he was supposed to be. God wants me to focus on how Noah’s walk and journey with Him is so specific and thought out. He shut Noah into his destiny. Noah didn’t do it himself. It would be easy for me to focus on how righteous and respected Noah was by God. I could sit here all day long trying to gain that same respect from God. God has spoken to my heart and given me peace about my future and the unknown. I am so much like Peter. I can take that initial step of faith onto the water and believe. But once that water gets rough, I begin to doubt my God. Help me Lord, with my unbelief.

I am thankful for prayer and the ability to ask for the Holy Spirit to enter my time in the word and guide my learning. Thank you God for that privilege.

There is something sweet to knowing that no matter how much work and effort I put into my “ark” God will be the one who sees it through. He will put the finishing touches on my life, on my goals and on my purpose that He has for me. That’s a relief.

Published in: on March 2, 2010 at 12:12 am  Leave a Comment  


“Since the fall, we all feel a…sense of loss, and our relationships are tainted by mistrust and fear. Even in the most happy, fulfilled moments of our lives, we, like Adam and Eve, quietly long for something more…Before the fall we had a perfect place on this earth, and now we do not…Jesus said, “In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you” (John 14:2). This is our hope and our final destination. Until that day we have each other.

Here and now, the only part of eternity that we get to touch is each other. As sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, we tend to live as isolated beings, locked into the invisible walls of our mind. We need to reach beyond our fears because we need each other; right beside us is another soul who longs for home, another soul who can help us discern the signs along life’s road, as they give us input and as we reach out to them.”

-Sheila Walsh, Women of Faith Study Bible

I begin this entry with that message because it is refreshing and makes me have hope here on earth. As I previously mentioned, I struggle with wanting to give up because I am constantly cycling in and out of a fear driven life. I don’t feel like what I do is good enough for God so I might as well give up. Today I read Genesis 4-6 and the part that God really highlighted for me was when God was talking to Cain after his offering wasn’t good enough. Oh Cain, I struggle with feeling unworthy and jealous of others’ contributions. I am with you here.

“Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your doors; it desires to have you, but you must master it.'” (Genesis 4:6-7)

Crystal, why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?

God, it’s because I constantly let fear drive my decisions and life. I am concentrating on the past mistakes I have made and allowing them to rule my future. I am scared of the next time I will screw up. I don’t want to mess up. But I do. Will you forgive me? I feel defeated. I am comforted in thinking negatively and knowing that I will sin because at least I won’t be disappointed when it does happen. I knew it would happen and counted on it so it won’t hurt so bad when it does happen. How will I find hope? How can You have hope in me? How can I trust You to take care of me when I do fall again? Teach me. I want out of this pit of shameful thinking. I want to trust You fully and completely with my life, my decisions, my family and my safety. EVERYTHING.

If you do what is right , will you not be accepted?

Yes, God. I want to do right. Accept me. You alone are worthy of all that I am. I don’t know why You would want anything to do with me. You must really love me. You must love me no matter what I do. Unconditionally. I think I understand that now, because I think of Randall messing up all the time and I know I will still love him the same. I feel that you are opening my eyes to how amazing, healing and powerful Your love really is. Come into my heart and heal the brokenness that has brought me to Your feet again. I surrender my life and everything you have blessed me with. My baby boy, my husband, my money…take it all. Open up my heart so I can love You more. I want to serve You my King. You are the only one who can make me do right. So I have to surrender myself. So here I am. Open my mind to everything You need me to know. Open my eyes and ears so I can see and hear Your face and voice. I cannot do this alone. So enter my life and it make it glorifying and a sacrifice to You. Jesus, make me like you.

But if you do not do what is right Crystal, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.

How can I do right? Make me a new creation today and teach me how to walk blamelessly with You. I feel Satan crouching at my door waiting to trick me into not believing in who You say You are. Just like he tricked Eve. How can I be ready to capture sin before it captures me? Will You guide me through this life and keep me safe? Will my security be in You? I want to trust You with all that I am. You created me. You can do anything You want with me. I want to be Your creation and I don’t want to have anything to do with how I turn out. I don’t want to do things on my own. I want to rely on You for everything. I need to know You more so I can truly trust my Maker. If I knew You and your character more, I would believe You. I want to know and study Your many names.

Knowing You=Trusting You=Believing You=Obeying You=Hating Sin=Mastering Sin

Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 8:27 am  Leave a Comment  

The Curse

Reading about the Fall of Man always gets me every time. It makes me realize where I came from. It’s easy to say or think you would be smart enough to ignore the “crafty” serpent, but the truth is you would not. Eventually, the Fall of Man would have taken place because God created Satan to show us our need for a Savior.

Satan is portrayed as a seductive tempter, but temptation is bigger than that. It’s a test that gives us the opportunity to display faithfulness and devotion to God. Eve failed her test and I have failed many of mine. She was won over by the fruit’s appeal. She chose to become more like God through disobedience than obedience. God desires for us to be “conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29) however, he wants it through our obedience. I still struggle to do what God tells me. My selfishness takes over time and time again. And even when I do want to do right I don’t.

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. (Romans 7: 15-20)

This has become VERY frustrating to me.

It’s crazy to think that before the Fall of Man the world was in perfect order. There was nothing you needed or wanted. You would be completely satisfied in your relationship with God because you trusted him wholeheartedly since He created you. If I woke up as a new creation to my Creator and heard His commands and rules I feel that I would keep them. Surely I would because He told me to and He made me. I should be so thankful He even considered me to love. Out of fear I would obey, wouldn’t I? But no, I would not. It can be compared to the relationship a child has with his or her parents. Even though they are the reason you are here and they love you so much, you still willfully disobey them.

It just makes you realize that Satan is extremely crafty and shrewd. He knows his victims and has so much experience in causing us to fall into sin. Eve’s failure brought us to childbirth pains and our husbands to “rule over us”. We do all we can do to ease childbirth pains. Before the curse, I imagine that man and woman were meant to live as equals before God. Yes Eve was created second to help Adam, but I think our relationship with each other would be completely different in a perfect “Eden” world. God loves us both the same right?

I find myself frustrated with the “your desire will be for your husband” part of the curse. At first to me it doesn’t seem like a curse at all. I love to desire my husband. But there is something deeper to know about the meaning of desire in this context. It means much more than just a longing for him. Your entire soul and essence of who you are is involved. Eve’s sense of herself, emotionally and physically, will become dependent on her husband. Therefore, my sense of self emotionally and physically will depend on my husband. That’s scary to depend on a human being like that because I know how imperfect I am. If we were still in Eden I would be completely satisfied in God alone and my desire would be focused on Him first. My love for my husband would be an overflow of that cup. That explains a lot about why I am always confessing self esteem issues to God and continually struggling to believe that I am a beloved child of God and bride of Christ.

It makes me reflect on the way women are today in this world. I get angry when women continually want to be like men. We aren’t men. We are women for a reason and it’s something we should be proud of. I get frustrated from time to time with my role as a woman, wife and now mother but I still adore my purpose. I see women today kissing other women. Women that are longing for a relationship with a “good man.” Why? In my opinion the answer is because it’s on MTV (tv in general really). I remember watching MTV as a young child and seeing who men wanted me to be. Today, guys like to watch girls kiss other girls and now you see it everywhere. That was my theory years ago when I became a Christian and saw women being influenced by what they think men wanted. I was so drawn to what men desired of me that I watched tv to find out how I could get them to notice me. Just the other day, my theory was confirmed on an MTV show Jersey Shore. Yes, I am sad to say that I watched this for a short time until my husband forbid it and I realized I just got sucked into watching trash. But one of the girls on the show kissed another girl in front of all the guys. During her confession as to why she was acting the way she was she literally said “Guys like it when girls kiss each other so that’s why I did it.”

I am guilty of falling into the cycle of being who other people want me to be. I have messed up big time in my life. I still struggle with being who my husband wants me to be and not who God wants me to be. I constantly fish for my husbands affections. I don’t want words of affirmation but I want acts of service to show me that I am worthy. If I could just get him to show up to the house with a surprise I would be satisfied. I look to him for my worth and satisfaction. Not Christ. This is part of the curse. I feel destined to constantly struggle with feeling good enough for my husband. Should I give in to it?

“What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!” (Romans 6:1-2)

Absolutely not. I am convinced that God desires for us to overcome this and truly rely on Him for our satisfaction. We are worthy because of what Christ did.

“What wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25)

“We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” (Romans 6:2)

“If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin–because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.” (Romans 6:5-7)

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)

So, I am Christ’s ambassador! That is where I am to go from here. From the dark place that God has brought me out of. I might not be completely delivered from my shame but I have faith that this journey is going somewhere better. I am learning to live like Christ and walk with my Heavenly Father. He isn’t counting my sins against me. He wants reconciliation. I obeyed Him in confession to Him and to the ones I sinned against. Now it’s time to be reconciled and walk the path of life with God. No more hiding behind the trees in the wilderness fearful of what He will think of me.

Fear. I let that rule me. That will forever be the thorn in my side: fear. But I know I can conquer my fears and trust my God. I don’t want to just know that, I want to believe it wholeheartedly and then I want to live my life with that freedom. That is how I will be a light to this world. Only with the complete surrender to my God and Creator. I want to know You more. I want to love you with all my heart, strength and soul. (Deuteronomy 6:5)

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (**or FEAR?**) As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor ANY powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in ALL creation, (that’s you too Satan) will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

Published in: on February 17, 2010 at 4:14 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Beginning

This is the beginning. I am just a girl on a journey to truly understand and believe God’s word. How different would my life be and look if I were to truly believe and trust God? I have been a Christian for 8 years and I still don’t feel like I have walking with God down pat. I just recently became a mother and now more than ever I want to be an example of Christ in my home. So this is where I will start…at the beginning. I will start in Genesis and work my way through the Bible and use this blog to work my thoughts out with you Jesus. I am a horrible writer. I don’t stick to anything I start. But I am going to trust You. That You will bring me through my relationship with You. If this is not the avenue you want me to take then you will reveal that to me. This is my story.

I am in a pit of shame. I need out. My sin burdens me with guilt and regret. Why? It’s the ultimate question everyone asks when they sin. Why do I do what I do? What makes me so horrible?

But You are in pursuit of me. You wander through the garden of my shameful life and ask “Beloved, where are you?” just as you asked Adam & Eve the day they took on the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis 3) This is where shame started. Where it rooted itself in a woman’s being when she realized she was naked. I hate that feeling of being naked and bare in front of You. As if You don’t already know who I am. You created me and yet I am frightened to stand naked in front of you. But You ARE in pursuit of ME. Regardless, of my pathetic attempts to hide from You, You are pursuing me. And I ask again…why?

I try to hide my shame with “fig leaves” too. I try to cover it up in justifications. Why do I have to confess and admit my weakness? Let me cover it up God. It was easier before I was a Christian and accepted You as the Ruler of my life to do whatever I wanted at the time and not feel ashamed. Guilt is not from You. It is from the enemy. How do I battle him when I am so weak?

What is the root of my shame? I feel like a failure when I fall into sin. I want to give up because I feel like I will never conquer sin. But why do I think I can be perfect? Why can’t I just be satisfied in Your perfection. I know I can’t gain salvation, so why do I seek perfection? I want to be like You. Is that wrong? I’m scared God. I know You are real. I know You love me. I believe You are real. But I don’t trust You. Help me with my unbelief.

“‘If you can?’ said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.‘ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.'” (Mark 9:23-24)

“As it written: ‘There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless there is no one who does good, not even one.'” Romans 3:10-12

My attempts to cover up my sin are useless.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.” Isaiah 59:2

SAVE ME GOD. SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!!! I beg of You. “If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine”

“Save me, for I am yours; I have sought out your precepts. The wicked are waiting to destroy me, but I will ponder  your statutes. To all perfection I see a limit; but your commands are boundless” Psalm 119:94-96

Embracing Accusations is all I can listen to over and over. Thank you God for this song, this message of hope. “The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed that I am cursed and gone astray” What have you done Jesus to remove my shame? I have not forgotten the refrain: Jesus SAVES!

“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:4-5

“Oh the devil’s singing over me an aged old song, that I am cursed and gone astray! Singing the first verse so conveniently over me. He’s forgotten the refrain: JESUS SAVES! He redeemed us from the curse of the law.” – Shane & Shane, “Embracing Accusations”

I’m forgiven. I’m loved more than I could ever imagine. Someone died for me. Someone that was perfect in every way. WHY!? Why me?

“But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:22-23

“To hang between two thieves in the darkness, Love must believe you are worth it” -Nichole Nordeman “Hold On”

I am worth death on a cross.

Published in: on February 15, 2010 at 8:12 pm  Leave a Comment